Je suis desole, je ne parle pas Francais

Hamburg - We get tickets to see Stomp which is playing the main house, providing we donate to a collection fund of a sick technician.  After two days of asking everyone in the building the only fund we find is the green room coffee fund.

Juvisy - Young child shows appreciation for the show by throwing his shoes at the actors mid performance.  It's definitely not hilarious.

Laval - The local tech approaches me grinning and says "Your actors are in the dressing room drinking cock"
...
by which obviously he meant coke, but I absolutely did not get that until after an array of facial expressions gave away something about the comment was vexatious.

Clamart - An usher has an epileptic fit mid way through the first show, her first ever apparently.  The audience do not notice. (She is ok now.)

Elancourt - Find out the French for 'Hen night' is 'Enterrement de vie de jeune fille' Meaning 'Funeral of being a young girl.'  Poetic.

Holiday - I resolve to actually post in this blog

Sarzeau - I fail dismally at the first hurdle

St Ave - A brilliantly boozy lunch is put on by the theatre every day.  I am far too British to get involved, and their response to this is to dig one tea bag and some powdered milk to try and make me feel at home.  Dudes.

Choisy le Roi  #1- There is a toilet in the middle of the stage upon our arrival

Choisy le Roi # 2 (we're here for a long time) - A child genuinely responds to a surprise part of the show by shouting out 'ooh lala!'

And let me tell you that I love you and I think about you all the time

See not being in Scotland on The day of the referendum though....

On the move again.

I believe last time I wrote in this I didn't even have a smart phone. Now, a couple of years later, this image is one of the more painfully relatable memes kicking around the intertron. I was on a boat in the middle of the north sea recently, and was actually, genuinely frustrated that I could neither respond to my mum's email to say whether or not I had a port hole,  or what's ap my boyfriend pictures (all of which were of the sea from different angles) OH THE HUMANITY.

Despite the lack of WiFi we pulled through and made it to our destination, which as it happens is Hamburg (this was aided largely by radio four comedy and hula hoops. It was not aided by Audis that sneak up on you at 100 miles an hour on the autobahn)

Tomorrow we put the show we're touring into what I understand is an old fabric factory. The first of the non English get ins for me. I'm not worried though, Auf Deutch Eins taught me well. I'm going to know EXACTLY how many guinea pigs all the technicians have.

So I guess until I can squeeze some anecdotes out of that I'll leave you with some pictures of the sea from different angles.

Hello Mid March. How I have longed for you.

Peterbourgh – The dressing rooms are portacabins round the back.  The Glamour.

Chelmsford – The Bass shuffles off stage, his bright red wig sitting slightly askew and his lipstick (which also doubles as blusher) slightly smudged, with a life size, french-can-can-dancer-puppet strapped to his front.  He pauses by me in the wing.  "What kind of job is this"  He says.  "I'm an intelligent human being."  And shuffles off into the darkness.

Bury St Edmunds – The building is owned by Green King IPA, and the bar out the front is called the Greene Room.  A HO!

Margate - Backstage has a list of rules from the 20’s painted on the wall.  For example – “Performers will not perform scenes or musical numbers not previously agreed by the director in rehearsals.”

Ipswich

I learn how to open those stick sugar packets properly

Shanklin - The Tech manager and Stage Manager are husband and wife, and it seems the only other technician in town is their daughter.

Guildford

One of the actresses screamed in delight, and I thought the fire alarm was going off...

In other news

Crewe - Have inherited my head torch


Huddersfield – Due to the upcoming visit to Cyprus it was necessary to pack up all the props and costume we were taking, and then un-pack them instantly.  A trial run to see if the bags we bought were big enough .  It’s a soul destroying sort of a task.  Especially when your boyfriend has taken the time to come and visit.


Buxton - Not a blue cat in sight


Hertford - Tiny stage + huge piano = hilariously compact dance moves


Nicosia - We locate a whiskey decanter at the last minute, from an ex AA member, through an oboe player


Limasol - The focus tower is a few bits of scaff and a plank of wood on wheels. it'd give the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland a hernia.


Yeovil & Bishop Stortford - We seem to be in hot pursuit of a tour of 'Lord of the flies'.  There is a lot of sand in their show it seems. Out dance floor tape won't stick to it.


Crawely - The tumble drier set fire last week... It makes wardrobe maintenance an exciting new challenge


Winchester - Apparently stand up  go there to try out their material before big tours because the audience are notoriously heckler free...

Dunstable

The Bass thinks it will be hilarious to talk to me in the style of the old spice man while wearing nought but pants when I go to the dressing rooms to check the personal props.

Day off...

Sitting in a Premier Inn watching Sherlock, failing to fix a life size can can dancer puppet, at midnight.

Newark - Nearly stand on the bass's face as I don't realise he is sleeping under a counter in dressing room 4 as I set out costumes.

Wellingborough - Discuss the finer points of war, religion, politics, the economy and Oscar Wilde with a cobbler as he fixes a zip on the tenors boot.

Tweeksbury [sic] - The techies are called Smiffy, Cookie... and Mark

Blackpool

The Baritone reveals that he sang at Nora Batty's funeral.

Keswick

Opening Night - Leading lady's net shawl gets attached to leading man's brass button. Thus incredibly romantic waltz ends with him being dragged upstage by her, chest first.

To look back on in the future - Because I shall loose a paper list

Sher-oh-good-lord-isn't-cumberbatch-a sexy bastard-lock finished its most recent run today on the tellybox. The iphone generation tell me that while the next series has been commissioned though it will not start filming till other work commitments are out of the way. In order to fill the immense emptiness that we now face in our lives we have made a pact* to achieve a life goal each before the next instalment.

I post the aims here so that they are stored but a few clicks away and labelled by date. Don't feel obliged to read them.

Achieve a publishing deal of some description

Have Dandy Highwaymen in existence

Get an article in Dr Who Magazine

Buy a windsurfer

Oh and also, to sum up the last trip (since that is the real and true purpose of this endeavour) East coast as better than the West coast - apart from for snow sports and the Victoria Fringe. Quebec is the best province, particularly Montreal. New Brunswick has absolutely brilliant road signs regarding Moose. Bam.

*Had a notional chat

Summer nights and my Radio

I appreciate summer ended a while ago (even longer ago if you are Scotland rather than Canada, as I understand it) but I'm still going to write a brief account of mine exploits before commencing our road trip.  The tales of Which I shall save for another day.

So, the running theme was ice cream.  Partially cause the presidents choice line of ice cream includes flavours like almond-bark-mocca-brownie, but mainly because I got a job driving an ice cream truck. This was because Andy was working as one, his bosses needed more drivers, I needed a job, so it goes.  We had separate trucks, but took a lot of ice cream chat home.  Did you know in Canada you can get frozen flavoured ice in  the shape of sponge bob square pants on a stick?  Kids go proper mad for them.  I tried one once, I thought it was pretty rubbish.  Driving an ice cream truck is kind of annoying, kids wave you down then don't have any money, or have very, very angry parents.  An old man came up once to ask the name of the tune the truck was playing.  It is labelled '1' on my music control box, and when I told him this I thought he was going to kill me  "You don't... know?" I know lots of things.  Do you know exact date of the council of Nicaea, old man?  He didn't even buy a bubble gum swirl.

Then there were the ice cream bosses.  Who about a week after I started decided that I wasn't trained well enough by Andy and this was clearly why I was only taking $350 a day while everyone else was taking $400 (not because I was being sent to neighbourhoods where there are no kids) so both put someone in the truck to instruct me and then followed me around in her car watching what I did.  In a mortifying embarrassing sort of a way.  She also told me a few weeks later that her buddy's sister was on a boat out on the lake when I was selling ice cream on a campsite by the shore and she couldn't hear my music from there (The lake is a pretty big lake, the Okanagan lake, if you wish to look it up) so I wasn't playing it loud enough and people wouldn't be able to hear and they wouldn't come and buy ice cream!  My bosses' buddy's sister also thought I was a guy.  I would argue that her sensory perception isn't exactly top notch.  Yes, I am still bitter.

Anyway.  We got a second job picking fruit and general farm work at a place with a really laid back boss who let us drive multi terrain buggies,  another chap who fed us freeze pops all the time , (apparently no one really knew what his job title was, there was a rumour he had naked pictures of the farm owners.)  I was a really great place to work.  And now I know all sorts of things about pollination that I never used to.

What with working 2 jobs we mainly worked 12 hour days so social times were limited to seeing the last Harry Potter, and the occasional pint at the 'Grateful Fed' (yes really.)  EXCEPT from when Chris came to Vancouver and we went to meet up.  The Aquarium is awesome, Stanly Park is very pretty, Chris and I both failed to land a simulated rocket, we learned that all the Japanese Canadians were chucked out of BC after WWII, and met a brilliant and very small parrot called Nelson.  AND the hostel we stayed at was built on a street that was used in the filming of a never ending story.  It was a whirlwind.

The two weeks working on the fringe were brilliant.  I was billeted with a lovely lady who has had many great adventures thus many great stories.  She also made lots of great cake.  The other guys working on the festival were all incredible, really friendly as were all the performers who were in my venue.  And I really enjoyed being in Victoria too, thought it was a very pretty city.  No bad words essentially.  Which after 2 months of crazy ice cream time was beyond fantastic.

That's where the facebook album of the same title ends, and so shall this part of the story.
Next up, following the only road...

The 2 best lisence plates of the road trip thus far

OBI TWO - outside 'The wee scottish inn' in Jasper.

UR LUVED - On a yellow sports car that was tailgating me over the Rockies.

Full (ish) details of THE ENTIRE SUMMER to follow.

Land of the Silver birch

Well.  Here I am once again.
I don't think Canada is that keen on me though.  I got a paper cut from my landing card and the plane Andy and I got on in Toronto proptly broke.  You can call me paranoid if you wish, but I think it knew I was aboard and didn't like it.  We arrived in Vancouver just in time to hear the final call for passangers to Kelowna, which is turn then saw myself and Andy sprinting through the departure lounge at high speed. Well played, Canada, hilarious.
In better news passport control and immigration took less than half and hour AND getting my social insurace number took even less than that.  Hooray for fully fledged temporary immigrant status.  So far I have TWO WHOLE WEEKS of work at the end of August on the Victoria Fringe which I think will be fun, though perhaps not the most lucrative. 
As such, I'm am off to do a CV drop.  By which i mean resume drop.
There's no Canada like French Canada.

Blame Canada

I'm going back to Canada next week, via the Hyde park Music festival.

After so many months it comes to this...

I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve

DAY ONE: Trip from Chaing Rai to Lamphun.  After spending a not inconsequential amount of time on the hunt for the Chiang Rai Post office.  It's not my fault it looks like a bank...  In Chiang Mai decide to get a bus to Lampang instead, as buses to Lamphun are not sign posted and veryone seems to think I am asking for Lampang anyway... Hey ! THIS bus stops in Lamphun.  Oh well, paid almost one pound for this ticket, I'm going to get my moneys worth! That Australian on the bus who said it would be easy to find a guest house wasn't telling the truth... Fried Rice!  Bedtime.

DAY TWO: Lampang (not Lamphun).  Wandering round town... Stop beeping at me tuk tuk, I'm not going any where in particular.  Ooh, thats an nice Burmese influenced temple.  Thats an enormous Burmese influencd temple...  Hello monk, oh you are from Burma, really? Is it your plan to take over Lampang.  That is a rude question to ask a monk, I shall move on. Now that I am looking for a ceramics market where have all the tuk tuk drivers gone? Thats a strong smell of incense... Shrine to three pillers of the city.  It is pretty.  I suspect this ceramics market never really existed.  Still seen most of Lampang in my hunt for it, so not so bothered that I have missed the last pony ride sight seeing tour of the day.  I shall go for a walk round a park instead.  Wait a minute... This park is a gym!  There pathways are all marked up with running training distances and they have treadmills that are frames with cylinders as the base for you to run on.  Amazing.  Oh rain.   Damn you monsoon season.  Noodles!  Bedtime.

DAY THREE: Trip from Lampang to Phitsanulok. After being impressed that the minute I got out of the tuk tuk I was asked where I was going, and ushered onto the right bus strsight away, surely this is not right! What if I am on a bus Sanhulok?  My pronunciation is not amazing.  Oh, I am on the right bus.  And the lady next to me is getting off at Phitsanulok too, she will kep me right.  Thank you kind Thai people and non verbal communication.  Driving through Sukothai, it looks nice.  Phitsanulok is not so nice, though wikipedia says  "It is probably best known as the birthplace of King Naresuan, who freed the country from Burmese domination in the late 16th century."  He should go to Lampang.  But everyone says hello, and helps me find things.  I can get a train to Ayutthaya tomorrow at nine, hurrah!  Red Curry. Talking to Andy on the internet.. At half three the place fills with people in school uniform playing internet games.  This is a theme through the rest of the trip...  Take a wander along the Nan river to Wat Phra Sri Rattana Mahatat, it is a temple believd to have curative properties.  There are a lot of people praying and monks chants bing pumped out through speakers outside.  On the way back to the hostel I see another one of the gym parks, this one has a Rosmary Connelly- esque figure on a stage by the river bank leading an exercise class for anyone that wants to join in.  Dammit Monsoon season, I wanted to go to the night market.  Oh well, Bed time.  Bloody hell, those are some big spider webs on the ceiling...  Do not sleep well...

DAY FOUR: Trip to Ayutthaya.  Was told to go to platform two.  But platform two is over there, where is the bridge?  Oh I see, we just cross the train tracks in Thailand.  Ok.  Hello nice Dutch Lady, you dont particuarly enjoy Phitsanulok either?  Fair enough.  You are in 2nd class?  I am in third.  Thak you for helping me get on th right train, safe home!  Sitting next to an open window on a fast train for, four and a half hours.  So windswept and interesting right now.  It is a nice way to see the counryside though. Lots of temples, and buddhas and farming and palm trees.  That power line has fallen down into a submerged paddy field... Is that safe..?  Thank you kind lady, but I do not really want a meat ball on a stick.  They are yours.  Sort of wish I was making a stop at Lopburi.  There are monkeys in the streets and everyone made a Wai at one of the temples as the train went by. Thank you again kind lady for helping me to get off at the right stop.  Having a wonder before bed and a man on a bike stops for a chat as he is cycling to work.  Further wandering, man on bike appears at the gate of the university building (where he works) and gives me a much more comprehensive map than the one at th hostel.  Thank you kind bike man!  Bedtime in my non cobwebby dwelling.

DAY FIVE: Ayutthaya.  I don't agree with the non believers, I suspect they are people who do not enjoy wandering around ruins.  I, on the other hand, LOVE wandering around ruins.  Spent a good few hours just on 2 temples.  Be glad my camera has broken, people at home or you would be subject to many photos of crumbling bricks and half built buddhas.  39 exposure disposible cameras are limiting.  Went to see this first.   Then nipped across the road to a temple where two princes once duelled to both their deaths on elephant back.  Spent the afternoon at the Ancient palace complex and wandered over to the Historic Studies centre. Historically Ayutthaya was powerful.  Lots of trade with the whole world, and a strong base for the capital, as it is surrounded by a river on all four sides. Then the Burmese sacked it and the ruins have been left as they are ver since apart from th odd excavation here and there to remove precious artifacts and relics of Lord Buddha.  It's a really interesting place.

DAY SIX. Going home today, but not untill the wee small hours or the morning so  a temple out of town is on the cards.  And probably buying an insane amount of incense.  Then last bus to Bangkok.  I haven't even spent one night there.  There goes that blog entry title...

It's been aces.  But I am looking forward to coming home.  Cause there is aces too.

Chaing Rai : A Retrospective.

Well.  Chaing Rai is a rather pleasant wee city to spend time.  A pocket guide to Thailand cites it as a place best to base yourself to take trips out an about.  The Middle weekend of our time teaching the School headmaster donned his tour guide persona (literally, he used to moonlight as a tour guide...) and we all bundled into the back of his car to see what we could see.  He took us to what he calls the 'Black Temple'.  It's not actually a temple, though it is built to look like one.  It is an art gallery and meeting space built by eccentric artist Thawan Duchanee Aside from the temple, which does actually feel like an evil wizards castle, there are an assortment of meeting houses and guest rooms decorated with dark wood and animal skins/skulls.  Its a bit like an evil wizards commune, really.

After that we went up to Doi Tung gardens.  Its a sustainability project initiated by the monarchy to get folks growing something that isn't opium.  That being illegal and all.  There is a beautiful garden there now, and they grow lots of coffee.  One of their major suppliers is Thai Airlines.  Good economy points. 

We spent the afternoon at the Golden Triangle.  Golden because of its past days of lucrative opium sales (as we learned at the opium museum) and triangle because it is where the boundaries of Laos, Burma and Thailand meet.  They have a number of enormous Buddha and elephant statues on the Thai side and on the Burma/Laos side there are huge casinos.  Cause Gambling is illegal in Thailand (apart from the lottery) so people drive up to the border, get a boat across for a few hours, gamble to their hearts content then boat/drive home again.

We had a wee drive through the ancient city (which is now quite a modern city with a fair few ruins in it) of Chiang Saen and Mae Sai, were I don't think you really go much unless you are doing a border run to extend your visa or looking for fake versions of expensive sunglasses.

The next day we went looking for some hill tribes.  Now hill tribes don't always wear their traditional dress any more (and why should they)  But they live in bamboo huts in the hills, speak their own dialect and see to mostly be Christian.  We ended up in one that has a home stay program with the tourist bored of Thailand, where a lady in traditional garb and a kid strapped to her back brought us into her house for tea in a bamboo cup and a banana before whipping out her handicrafts to sell.  Naturally.

Spent most of the time in Chiang Rai after that just chilling.  Temples and Markets.  And a Reggie bar.  Good times.

School Daze and Village People

Leaving the school was a sad time.  One of the kids made little note with sad faces saying 'I love you, and they all followed us back to our bed/class room saying teacher..no..go home.  Apart from the little ones who didn't really notice what was going on... They never even learned out names actually, just called us all 'Khu Falang'.  Khu for teacher and Falang as in, the first people to travel to the area where cheese eating surrender monkeys French, and the way the villagers said France was 'Falang.'  So Khu Falang = foreign teacher.  DO YOU SEE.  I will miss singing songs and playing games at great length.  Especially 'What time is it Mr Tiger.'  They never did grasp the concept of 'Dinner time' though.

I wont miss the bugs though.  Christy. Got a couple of scorpions on the go by the end of the week.  And I set my dress on fire on a mosquito coil.  Not my most suave moment.

We inadvertently got adopted the last few days we were there!  Just having a wonder through the village, and were called over by a group of elderly ladies that spoke no English... Then another woman rushed across the road and said "5 minutes!  5 minutes!"  We smiled ... for about 5 minutes straight actually... At which point a Thai girl with striking blue eyes made a dramatic entrance on a scooter, her name was Bee and she spoke fluent English.  We were invited for dinner there 2 days running and Bee took us round the town pointing out papaya and banana trees and another kind of fruit tree that she didn't know the name of in English but people wrap paper round the fruits so they look like little paper lampshades round fruity bulbs.  It was nice, sitting watching the sun set over the paddy field and having conversation with people through the medium of arm gestures.

Back in Chaning Rai now, notionally heading to Lamphun tomorrow.  But I may change my mind at the last minute BECAUSE I CAN.

Cause back in school, we are the leaders of it all...

This school is amazing.  There are 55 students and they are all so adorable (apart from when they bring enormous insects into the classroom with them...) and generally seem to enjoy learning English...  Or maybe they just enjoy shouting A B C D as loud as possible.  Maybe it's the same thing.  I don't know I'm not qualified.

We sleep in a disused classroom, huddled under mosquito nets to try and avoid a variety of terrifying bugs, many of which are literally the size of sheep*  We use the school kitchen to cook our meals, and the staff room to updated our travel blogs.  Right now it's just me and a bloody loud geko.

The town is really small, and we were told that no one speaks any English, though upon going for a stroll one evening we were invited onto the porch of an ex monk who had very good English indeed, and the next day Dinana met a fella from Sheffield.  It wasn't Sean Bean.

The kids are at school from about 7am, sweeping up the place and weeding then they come back after school to play in the playing field.  Mad for it.  Also doesn't lend to much privacy, and a lot of conversations consisting of "Hello teacher", "Hello!  How are you?" , "I am happy!"

This evening the grade 1 teacher took us to a Thai massage place then taught us how to cook green curry back at her house (which is also a computer shop and has a stall that sells pizzas in the front garden. naturally) Not being one for having a strangers hands all over me I opted instead for a foot massage.  Having a Thai massage after some medium being a large touristy box just ripe for the ticking.

While we were chatting the teacher was telling us about where the snakes live in the school, and how they come out at night.  I'm comically huddled on an office chair which slides around every time I jump.  Which is often, and at the slightest sound.  Ridiculous.

Think it might be time to escape to the relative safety of my mosquito net and watch fire flies til I fall aspleeps.

Sweet dreams all.

*not literally

This is Africa

This isn't Africa, it's defiantly still Thailand.  But that is the name of a song that the 140 kids at English camp enjoyed jumping up and down and screaming to.  Whats that you say?  You thought I was teaching in a small school just outside Chaing Rai, not a large summer camp in Chaing Mai? I may have told you that, and at the time that was certainly the plan.  However the minute we got out the car at the school we got a phone call asking us to get back into town to get a bus over to Chaing Mai to help at a 2 day English camp.

I'm not too sure English camp is what I would have called it.  Enforced dancing camp might have been better.  And I don't know that after 2 days being able to say Hello, my name is ____, my teacher is Bee/Simon/Diana/Louise/Toni/Matthew/Sarah is terribly productive.  But they can all do the YMCA, so will fit right into the social scene at Butlins. 

The school we stayed at there was not so great, the previous volunteers that stayed there moved out after engaging in epic battle with a scorpion.  We actually had a nice night there, going to a nice we local restaurant-y hut type affair down the road for rice and some Sangsom, before heading back for some cards.  Just got bitten to near death by mosquitoes and freaked out by numerous bug carcasses in the shower...

Spent the Weekend in Chaing Mai with the other volunteers and scorpion conquerers.  Went out of the evening to a Thai reggie bar (yes). Next day was pretty chilled, kicked about looked at some more temples ate some noodles.  We went to the Night Baazar, which has many beautiful things.  Not least an enormous blue LED Christmas tree in the food court. 

Today we went in a tourist tour tm.  We started at an orchid farm.  Which didnt have an amazing amount of orchids I thought.  The pocket guide to Thiland would have you believe that Chaing Mai is bursting with them.. I  must have come at the wrong time of year.  Luckily for fools like me, they laqure fresh ones and sell them as jewelry, to love and admire all year round.  Of course.
Then we has a wee trip down the river on a bamboo raft.
Bamboo rafts are surprisingly robust.
Conviniently located next to the rafting was elephant riding.  Which was a pretty wobbly experaince.
PAD THAI.
We went up to a villiage, which we were lead to believe was a tribal hill villge, but was more a few huts and some elderly ladies trying to sell woven handbags by shouting HELLO at us at great length.
We went white water rafting after that though, that was good.  As was swimming by a waterfall.

Suitably touristed out (I have so many pictures of elephants and orchids) we are heading back to our wee rural school tomorrow, to give more children the gift of YMCA know how....

Wish us luck.